


It's Okay

by CitiesandDust



Series: The Value of Words. [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: A little, M/M, Not shown but lets just assume clint/coulson, might kinda be fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-02
Updated: 2012-06-02
Packaged: 2017-11-06 15:19:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/420329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CitiesandDust/pseuds/CitiesandDust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And Tony knows, as he stands on the movie aisle pointlessly arguing on why the Titanic ‘isn’t’ (but totally is) the best movie ever made towards the emotional extent of tragedy in films, that he’ll be okay.</p><p>6 words and a few times that Tony thought things might actually be fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Okay

**Author's Note:**

> So i spent pretty long on this, and i think you can see where the um 'quality' lags in some areas out of tired moments.
> 
> I also don't think it lives up to the slash potential but it's definitely more than the last one so. I hope you enjoy it, if you don't then i'll have to do better next time.
> 
> I'm also not sure why it won't indent the first bit. sorry.

1) Comfort.  
Tony knows he’ll be okay when Loki is released from SHEILD custody and put under Thor’s care. It’s not like the time he was sent home with the Tesseract as Thor plans on staying in Midgard for a while longer to see Jane or something. It’s more like they’ve had to welcome Loki into the Avengers mansion for a few months. More like a new roommate and while Tony is worried for, oh, his furniture, his lab, and his sanity, he’s not particularly worried for his well being.  
He knows the others think he should be but he isn’t because he’s spoken with Loki, gotten a feel for the man and it does occur to him that what Loki has put up might be a front, a lie. But he’s a liar himself in all the worst ways possible. He’s not a god of the trade but he’s fashioned himself a web and he knows how to spot a lie when push comes to shove. After all he’s an Avenger, and every single one of them got there on more than just merit. He’s got instincts, and a brain, and though a lot of people doubt it, a heart. He knows when to pull away and when to step up.  
That doesn’t stop the others from worrying for him though, and he really wishes that it did. Because they’re all cautious enough for themselves and he really doesn’t need Captain fucking America stepping in front of him when Loki enters a room by Thor’s side. It’s not like Tony can’t understand the sentiment. Steve cares for his teammates and it’s not like Tony really has a track record of making healthy decisions but it’s tiring to have the man acting like Tony’s about to throw himself onto Loki’s glow stick of destiny at the first chance he gets.  
He’s reckless, not suicidal.  
It’s a week into the second month when he gets the point across though (a month and a week too fucking late if you ask him).  
It’s his turn to get a movie for movie night. They have one every Friday (because Thursdays are now unofficially dedicated to Jane, Pop tarts, and good weather. And it’s something he feels is cliché because he knows for a fact that Bruce Wayne does something similar once a month (though he won’t fucking admit it because he’s too fucking cool or whatever) as well as most of the X-men (though truthfully, movie nights aren’t uncommon when you live in a school for the gifted). But they do it anyways because Coulson likes to call it ‘team bonding’ and Fury likes to call in ‘That Time When The Avengers Aren’t Doing Stupidass Things That Cause Foreign Goverments Problems With America Anymore Than They Already Have Problems With America.’  
Maria was the one to dub that name, and to be fair, the foreign government was once, and Tony had nothing to do with it. Natasha might have since she came in muttering something about a Budapest re-run and the way ash smelled in the winter winds of Russia, but Tony didn’t.  
So eventually they set up a cycle of who gets to get what movie and eventually said cycle lands on Tony and he has to either suffer through something he doesn’t know why he bought or go out and rent/buy something new. He thinks there must have been a time in his life where he stress bought things, movies in bulk, or a time when he sleep-flew to Target. Because short of Pepper he doesn’t know where half of the films even came from and perhaps that’s a problem.  
Still, long story short he invites Loki. To Target. With him. And the god merely raises an eyebrow and asks ‘why would I want to do that, Stark?’ The same god is accompanying him to the car 10 minutes later. They don’t kill each other.  
And Tony knows, as he stands on the movie aisle pointlessly arguing on why the Titanic ‘isn’t’ (but totally is) the best movie ever made towards the emotional extent of tragedy in films, that he’ll be okay.  
Because while Loki doesn’t trust him as far as he could throw him (only figuratively since literally he can throw Tony quite far, and his windows would testify) or enough to let Tony leave his sight in paranoia the two can work around each other with not so subtle banter and a sense of hidden amazement at what they both can learn from one another. He wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a friendship or anything, but it’s working whatever it may be.  
And sitting on the couch that night while Steve sobs lightly and Clint continually shouts at the screen ‘THERE WAS ROOM ON THAT DOOR FOR TWO’ he’s actually somewhat comfortable with the way he can feel the liar’s static in the air. 

 

2) Intervention.

Both Tony and Loki are redefined in the moments they think no one is looking. For Tony his arrogance drops, and his tendency to invent things blindly begins. It’s a bit like concentrating so hard you either black out or reach some enlightenment. It’s peaceful, but it’s blind.

These are the days that Tony locks himself in his lab and tells Jarvis that if anyone is let in everyone (being the sentient machines) is donated or trashed, household AI included. These are the days where his vision is 20/20 and his brain pumps into overdrive, but if you were to ask him what he’d done five minutes ago he couldn’t really tell you. These are the days when Tony grasps just how empty he feels, hollowed out where his heart ought to be (and physically still is). A normal (to his standards) life replaced by an element and some metal. A life destroyed by pieces of shrapnel. 

And these are the days where Tony doesn’t eat or sleep until he blacks out. 

It used to be that Pepper would come down and restore him, hit his mental reset button and make everything better but these days Pepper is his CEO first and friend second. It’s not like she’s abandoned him, god no. She’s Pepper, but she’s learning to live for herself now and Tony knows he’s selfish sometimes, but not selfish enough to take Pepper’s freedom away.

So instead Jarvis makes him coffee and sets off an alarm every time he goes down. He either wakes up of his own accord or wakes up to Coulson having over-ridden Jarvis to get in. It’s not healthy, but it’s not public either. He’s got his façade, then he’s got this. He keeps the two separate.

It’s self loathing, and raw focus, and the broken pieces of a broken man, trying to mend his way with wit and cash.

It’s something else entirely for Loki though, and somehow much the same.

Where for Tony there is focus, for Loki there is chaos. A feeling in the god’s bones and days where focus is only another lie he’s spun himself. Days where nothing really makes sense to him, and he runs on a plan he’s got subconsciously stored in the back of his mind for occasions like this where he’s sliding in and out of coherency more than usual. Which is truly unusual because he is always articulate and always thought out.

And where for Tony there is a broken man, for Loki there is a dilapidated one.  
Because Loki isn’t broken per say, just rapidly falling apart as time passes. He’s not been destroyed and spread apart over the course of a lifetime only to be brought back together by a will of iron. No. Loki is a rag-doll of incidents and lies, sewn together by what’s left of his questionable sanity. They are weak ties to a withering will and a childish sort of persistence to survive and carry on backed by a silver tongue. He is a man strung out and worn thin in every way imaginable. A man never truly trusted and always, always lied to. And where Tony tries to glue himself together again, Loki is doing something more tiring in trying to hold himself together. 

It would be easier for the god to let himself go, to fall, to hit rock bottom. But he doesn’t. Because Loki is like the feeling you get right before something happens, of anxious half terror and the urge to run. He’s a pulsing feeling of weariness and a nervous fucking wreck, too proud to admit it to himself as anymore than another game, another lie. Loki knows the pain of descent and Loki is fighting it with everything he has, by himself.

Tony thinks that it is in Loki’s deterioration that the god’s strength truly lies. A whisper of who he truly is that guides him as he’s lost.

Which is why nobody is surprised less than the two of them to find that they might actually understand each other. Loki doesn’t talk, doesn’t share things about himself but over the course of months Tony learns to read the expression in his eyes, and the way his lips twitch subconsciously when he’s thinking to hard. Tony learns when to step in and distract the man and vaguely Loki is thankful. Though while Tony can act as Loki’s circuit breaker, Tony doesn’t expect Loki to act as his intervention until it happens.

Until the two of them learn how to talk with guarded words and subtle double meanings. 

\- Loki is the first to use this subtle communication of 5 word sentences, eyes rolls, and huffs to talk about things during public events such as debriefings, movie nights, and Thursdays. Natasha picks up on it instantly even if she can’t exactly interpret it.

\- Natasha likes it. She thinks it’s amusing.

\- Secretly so does Coulson.

\- Thor never catches on, just sends confused puppy looks at Tony when he catches him pulling a face in Loki’s direction.

 

3) Voluble.

Everyone knows that Loki isn’t as talkative as Thor, or as loud, or as jovial. But when he does speak, he speaks with a purpose, no matter how mundane that purpose may be. He functions on a plan and Tony can appreciate that. Because he’s far more voluble than when he actually does get talking. This is somewhat of a rare occurrence of course.

It’s not like Loki never talks, but he never really talks about anything personally important to anyone other than his brother, and then it’s not really talking. It’s Thor pleading him to be the person he once was and him closing up on the world with biting words and an argumentative, provocative tone.

So Tony isn’t all that put off by always being the first one to start a real conversation, that is after they learn to actually have them. The first few months were pure banter, learning to step around each other and avoid tender areas while gaining a basic trust. But the one time Loki does start the conversation he’s reluctant to really answer.

They did talk in Loki’s cell that one time. It was a fair trade of information where Loki told Tony about his motives and Tony told loki what (not why) his arc reactor was and why he was involved with the Avengers. But it wasn’t anything like really talking.

Because really talking to Loki is the day that Loki intervenes. The day that he takes a (non – SHIELD permitted) leave to Stark tower and finds Tony blacked out over his tools and virtual blue prints. This of course, while not the intent of the visit ( Loki doesn’t actually bother to tell Tony what that intent was ) prompts the discussion. 

Tony comes to that time with a fresh cup of coffee sat by his head and the god of mischief muttering softly to himself from across the lab. It’s actually an experience because rather than having Cap or Coulson or even Pepper worrying over his body he’s given time to take in everything. He’s given time to watch the dust fall in corners of the room, and the rise and fall of Loki’s shoulders as he breathes. He’s even given time to listen before the other being notices that he’s conscious again (or so he thinks).

And laying there with his head buried in his arms he listens to the soft accent Loki posses and the words the god would never say to Tony without serious prompting and a level of trust Tony didn’t realize he’d reached even when he was unconscious.

“You’re something different Anthony.” The god mutters. “I only wish I knew whether that was good or bad.”

He’s fidgeting with part of Tony’s discarded suit demo as he speaks. Tony thinks it might be one of the hand pieces.

“ Either way it doesn’t benefit me. You’re frustratingly mortal even if you are above so many others in Midgard. I don’t think you realize that, you mortals never do. Always so self-depreciating, it makes everything so much easier. I don’t even have to really lie half of the time just chose the right influence. ” 

Tony resists a snort at this as Loki puts down the garment. Loki just said he thinks Tony’s above everyone else. Tony wants to hear more. Obviously.

“And apparently Stark you’re intelligence fails at realizing I’m aware of your consciousness.” The words slip out softer than the others.

Tony pulls himself up and wiggles his fingers in a sarcastic ‘hey there’ thing.

“Did you really think I would not detect your deception?”

Tony shrugs. “Worth a shot? What’s that like? Does it tingle?”

Loki rolls his eyes and takes the initiative to play therapist when he sits down on the opposite side of Tony’s desk.

“You were blacked out for 3 hours, 22 minutes, and 27 seconds.” Loki states with an eyebrow raised.

Tony is just out of it enough to ask “did you count?”

“Your ceiling told me.” The god says flatly. “Why were you blacked out?”

Tony thinks he should answer honestly, because he’s aware Loki can sense his lies, but hey, he has feelings, and what has Loki really done to deserve a gut wrenchingly honest answer? Preserve New York? Hardly. So Tony does what he does best and reverts back to factory setting: asshole.

“I had a bad day. Those happen, you know. Human thing.” He shrugs with a tilt of his head and the unimpressed look Loki gives him is enough to make him re-think his course of action. Because it’s a tired and annoyed look that makes him remember the alarm Jarvis sends out and that the guy has probably been standing in Tony’s lab talking to himself for 2 and a half hours.

“My story for yours. A fair trade.” Tony spits Loki’s words back at him and the slight upward pull of the man’s thin lips makes Tony smile as well.

Tony starts. “I’m not exactly the picture of health, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

The god hums acknowledgement. 

“I never have been, because for the most part I stick to myself and I don’t always remember that people need things like food and sleep. Then again I’ve never really had to, because as a kid I had adults to enforce it and I’ve always had Pepper to remember for me. So sometimes when i…think to hard… I go for days without what I need and I black out. It’s not a big deal, this happens all the time.” 

“It shouldn’t.” Loki points out the obvious. “Why? What makes you ‘think too hard’?”

The way Loki says it makes it pretty obvious he knows it’s not simplicity Tony is conveying but a bullshit way of avoiding hard to vocalize topics. And Tony knows that Loki knows he’s walking on a thin line here. 

“Life.” Tony shrugs. “You know, daddy issues and all.”

It’s partly a jab at the other man and a little true. Tony still takes a sort of sick pleasure in the way Loki seems to almost flinch for a second before his composure is solid again. They’ve skirted around this before.

“I suppose I do know.” The other man finally admits. “Though I believe in a different way.”

“Tell me.” Tony says, his tone half offer to listen, half lazy demand.

Loki isn’t voluble, but for once, he does speak.

 

4) Domesticity.

The one year mark is when Tony starts to think of Loki as more than just an ally, but a friend. It’s during another movie night that he fully realizes this change in status. Thor picks some romantic drama on behalf of Jane and Darcy who are spending the night and not really being able to muster the want to watch it him, Loki, Clint, and Darcy start joking about a quarter of the way in. Or rather Clint and Darcy joke, Loki acknowledges their presence, and Tony just about dies.

“Oh Brad!” Darcy squeals, throwing a hand up for dramatic effect as the lead actress tearfully throws herself into the arms of her older married lover. “I must have you, forget about your completely stable and loving girlfriend and come away with me!”

“For you?” Clint replies just as dramatically. “Of course my love! Anything for you! I’ll just screw over my entire perfectly okay life because the rainbows shine out your ass!”

“ Oh I just love you so much!” Darcy throws herself into Clint’s arms and even Natasha can’t keep a straight face. It’s so ridiculous if you actually know the guy.

Tony is practically cackling, Coulson is grinning, and Loki has this look on his face that betrays his amusement in a subtle fashion. However Thor is trying to hide his confused laughter while Jane glares at them and, oh for the love of everything that is good on this planet Tony thinks Steve’s expression might actually kill him. 

Steve looks so affronted and torn. Because Tony knows Steve finds it funny as well but it really looks like he’s having some sort of moral delima about loose women and the sanctity of marriage right now and it’s actually killing Tony. Because he knows Steve isn’t that sheltered, or even really that old. 

And it’s just the moment of domesticity passing between all of them, where Tony is unable to breathe as Darcy and Clint go on but manages to slide sideways against the god of lies with his eyes shut and face scrunched in genuine joy, only to feel a hand against his shoulder - welcoming of sorts – that it really clicks that he’s accepted Loki.

 

5) Tension.

The team is the worst though, because he doesn’t exactly know when his relationship with Loki changes but it does. It’s not a huge change. Tony has always somewhat flirted with the man, and it’s not like the man has ever even flat out rejected it. The second conversation they’d ever had had led to empty promises to bed each other ‘someday’. But at some point the flirting becomes a little more real and Tony finds himself having to remove himself from certain situations around Loki to preserve his mental state.

And he’s Tony fucking Stark, not some blushing school-girl. He’s got experience, and years of it. So it’s not like he’s gonna call it a crush and suddenly go all soft but fuck it all if he isn’t allowed to admire ‘the view.’ And he’s pretty sure the best part is that the few times Loki catches him staring – nothing huge happens.

“Like what you see?” Loki smirks dryly.  
“Maybe.” Tony shrugs with a smirk of his own.

End of story. 

But it becomes a problem when everyone else notices it. And by everyone he mainly means Clint. Because Clint is a closet gossip and don’t let anyone tell you differently. The guy nests in the ceilings and ‘sees things, sees everything Tony.’ And of course what does Clint do with things Clint sees? He asks ‘Phil’ and ‘Tasha’ about it. The same ‘Tasha’ who’s been onto Tony since his sort of half acquaintanceship with Loki formed enough to talk without words. 

Which leads to Thor approaching him at breakfast one morning, while Loki isn’t around, but Natasha, Clint, and Bruce are.

“Anthony Stark, what are you intentions towards my brother?” he booms, effectively channeling the ‘I Am The God Of Thunder And If You Have Wronged Me Or My Brother I Will Hurt You’ look. He’s also kind of channeling the ‘I Must Protect My Brother’s Virtue’ look.

Tony on the other hand effectively chokes on his coffee and Clint ‘helpfully’ offers “He’s interested.”

Thor doesn’t say anything, just stares long and hard at Tony and finally nods. Tony isn’t entirely sure what happened but he thinks he just got Thor’s blessing. Because of Clint. He makes a note to develop Clint new arrowheads if things play out well. Outwardly though he flips off the archer and goes back to his lab, Bruce following him with a new theory he wants Tony to help him test because he and Bruce are first and foremost – Science Bros : Secretly defending science/engineering/mechanics/really high IQs since Loki tried to take over the world. Fuck yes. 

“It really is candyland.’ Bruce chuckles as he enters Tony’s lab.  
“Indeed.” Is his reply. 

 

6) Unexpected.

In retrospect he probably should’ve figured out that Loki was onto him as well, and why he didn’t take that into account is entirely unanswerable. He’s going to blame Steve. When in doubt blame Steve, because no one will believe you and half of the time it won’t even make sense but it will make you feel better.

‘Blame Cap.” He blurts as Loki steps towards his work bench, a look in his eyes that Tony is all too familiar with, accentuated by the fresh cuts, bruises, and dirt covering the god and his leather/armor.

“What?” 

“No, ignore that.” Tony mutters, standing to meet the man. “Reflex.”

Loki looks at him like he doesn’t think Tony is all there before growling out in something like frustration and simultaneous relief ( a tone Pepper has mastered which is why he recognizes it) “What were you thinking Stark?”

Oh, last name treatment now. He is referring of course to Tony throwing himself at a bomb before anyone could really figure out what was going on.

“I was thinking I was in a metal suit and I could defuse it.” He snarks back.  
“Well you couldn’t!” Loki snaps with more volume than is really necessary. “You could’ve been killed!”

Tony shrugs it off, doesn’t see it as a big deal. He lives with at least that much danger in his chest every second of the day and night. He voices as much, tacking a “why do you care?” to the end.

Loki makes a sound in the back of his throat, a sound that says as much as any sentence could on what he’s feeling. It’s a sound of impatience, desperation, self questioning, and almost entirely of frustration. 

Tony doesn’t get a reply because Loki vanishes then. 

Tony knows he’s said something stupid, he always manages to do that. There’s a part of him that understands, sort of, a little (his self preservation is low) why his throwing himself towards death might upset Loki, upset his team. Because he does understand human relationships even if he isn’t particularly good at them. What he doesn’t entirely understand is why this time it’s any different. Why this time it warrants anger.

He’s been dying before, knows that it makes him self destructive, but he also knows that death is something he’s accepted. It’s going to happen, somehow, someday. And the multitude of times he’s had to face it are ridiculous for someone his age. So why is it suddenly different this time? Why is it different if he puts himself next to a bomb right before it goes off when only two weeks ago he was throwing himself into building full of assassins, and the week before at doombots? What the fuck was the difference? Close range? No. He’s done that before too.

So he growls in frustration and tries to focus on an adjustment design for the suit.

It’s an hour later that Loki appears behind him, turning him in his seat before Tony realizes what’s actually happening and crushes their lips together. It’s a kiss that speaks volumes, and pretty much manages to express to Tony the exact things he’s been thinking of Loki for the past month or so. I want you. I like you. I care. You frustrate me. I care. I like you. I want you. And Tony’s brain stops working again, not out of shock but out of something far better. Contentment.

Unexpected contentment and glorious purpose.

Loki breaks it just long enough to breathe out “It matters because I don’t want you dead, you idiot.”

“Does it?” Tony breathes back.

Loki simply chuckles low and full something that might be of endearment “yes.”

Then the chilled lips are back on his and Tony has to pull back every few seconds to get a word in because Loki is persistent. 

“I’m” he gets in “gonna die. Someday.”

Loki simply kisses him harder, tongue running along Tony’s bottom lip and hands reaching up to cup Tony’s neck. 

“Yes, I know. So stop trying to bring that day closer.”

There’s no revelation between them now. No moment of ‘oh that’s what that feeling was’ because neither of them are stupid and neither will waste whatever is given to them here. They know the value of a true ally and the chance to make one is one they will not waste. They will simply accept each other’s presence and if Tony is a fucked up person, that’s to be expected. If Loki lies on occasion, that’s to be expected.

It’s a take it or leave it not quite relationship and to have someone take their flaws and scattered thoughts and compose them into something not quite broken or crumbling is a privilege at this point. Tony doesn’t expect it to last forever and Loki doesn’t expect to be Tony’s only bed partner (and vice versa). But it’s not a release of tension either, there is a bond, and an ability to cross important bridges between them. 

So they cross said bridges together, because they are what they are, and they’ll accept that here without some revelation or moral crisis.

Loki is a liar, and a little off it. Tony is arrogant and vicious in his own way.

Tony thinks finally, that it’s an appeal to his monstrosity, his selfishness, and needy tendencies; this relationship. He thinks he should pull away and not drag people into his fucked up life but for once his chosen partner is (perhaps) just as fucked.  
And they can be fucked together. They can be each other’s crutches or ladders or whatever the hell this thing they’re doing is. 

It’s okay. It’s all okay.


End file.
